I remember making plans with nic
I remember agreeing that both of us should be there the first night.
Agreeing that we needed to help make the boys feel as special as we could through this whole ordeal.
I remember feeling immense gratitude that both nics mum and my aunty Bernie could come and help us.
That nics mother would be there the entire time in case either of us needed to be at mollies bedside.
The waiting had dragged and surgery loomed ever closer this intense scary known unknown.
I was already mourning mollies face.
Missing the little grooves I'd fit my lips into and kiss. Missing looking down at her funny little peanut head. I was missing the shape of her eyebrows and how intense her facial expressions looked because of the deformity in her skull.
I knew this surgery was for the best. But right at that point I was was dreading it from the depths of my torn up heart.
We got down to Sydney on the 5th
Mollies surgery was booked in for the 7th but she had pre op appointments with the anaesthetist and for blood work on the 6th so we went down early so as to make the transition smoother for the boys and for ourselves.
Ronald McDonald house was quiet, warm and welcoming
The boys were elated to explore the parks and to have people to dote on them and listen closely to their excited stories.
Thursday the 6th of March started early bundling the kids over to the hospital (a short lovely walk )
Mollie was a trooper the cough we'd been worried about had no consistency and wasn't producing so the anaesthetist wasn't at all worried.
Everything was over and done with by early that afternoon. And I can vaguely remember a few hugs
From nic, from my mother in law , from Leigh (a fellow cranio mum who was there for a check up on her boy and who had been through this before)
I can remember hugging the boys tightly putting mollie to sleep while whispering to her how sorry I was
How sorry I couldn't protect her from what was going to happen. Sorry if something I had done had made her head this way, sorry that I couldn't just take it all away.
But I couldn't cry because I needed to be strong for those boys tucked warm in their bed. For my husband who was just as scared as I and for my little girl who had already just charged her way through so much.
I didn't sleep much. Truth be told I think I smoked an entire packet of ciggarettes. Yes a filthy habit but I think that night I can be forgiven ?
Friday the 7th of March. I didn't feel. I woke up devoid of any feeling . Hugged the boys
Had coffe as mollie played.
Met Emily whose little boy was having surgery at that moment
Emily who I will forever have a bond with. I don't think you can go through something like that with somebody and not resurface with some sort of permanent seam binding you.
I had opted to be the one that sat with Mollie as they put her to sleep.
She was wearing a beautiful overall set my beautiful friend Kylie had sent her. I had no feeling as I took her headband off.
I held her so she could see me as they put the mask over her tiny face
I let her know I'd be right there waiting for her. I let her know my phone would be in my hand waiting for that call. I let her know there were so many people praying for her
Thinking of her , so many people the world over that were in her corner waiting for her on the other side.
I saw her eyes go and everything went blurry. I couldn't see.
I couldn't speak. I remember an old lady holding me from crumbling on the floor dragging me out into those cold stark corridors
I remember nic pulling me from her and hugging me so tight I could feel his heart beating.
I have in my 25 years been through some dark times. But that moment will forever be etched into my soul as the worst moment of my life.
5 hours I think
I can't remember
I can't remember what I did what I ate
I know I saw the boys. Saw my mother in law
I remember lighting a smoke as we got the call, throwing it as far as I could as we ran , as fast as we could begging the elevator to hurry.
I remember walking into the recovery room mollie had lots of people round her masks caps robes standing there.
I heard her scream.
This scream is something I struggle to describe.
The drowning feeling came again as I clutched her hand .
There was blood in her bed. There were lines attached everywhere
She went from restful to screaming and writhing in complete agony within seconds
Her oxygen levels slipped so often teams came and went came and went stabilising her and helping her breathe.
Nic and I stood there
I'm not sure how long I don't think it was that long but it felt like eternity.
We held her hands we said her name we told her how utterly proud we were of her
And I saw her new face
Blue line going down the middle and I cried.
She was beautiful but she wasn't my mollie.
But she was my mollie.
My emotions didn't link up. They made no sense.
Writing this
Has left me in quite a mess. I'm glad I've done it
But again this will be another to be continued post
I'll share the rest of her journey as I gather the strength to revisit it tomorrow
Much love
