And I'm back

I've deleted Facebook I've disconnected from the ever present social media addiction to connect much more organically with my children . My profile is so out of date and I don't know how to change it.
But , keeping it brief, the pause is over
I'm back .

Buckle up. It's going to be one hell of a ride

Breathe. It's not always easy. But it's worth it

Motherhood is one of those double edged swords, in books and magazines , plastered all over social media is depictions of this rosy giggle abc kids kind of life where everything is sunshiny, the colours are bold and everyone gets along.

I'd like to say I knew what motherhood was going to be like, that I knew I'd be tired and things would be frustrating. 

But when you are holding a crying baby with an unrecognisable mess exploding from the top of her nappy while your almost three year old is weeing on the carpet screaming at you to get him new pants and you can hear, over all the noise the torrential sound of food being hurled out of your pantry and being emptied on the kitchen floor by your four year old whom you only just gave two apples to after he hate four pancakes but he's "sniffing out food" because apparently you are unfair and hes starving so much he's going to die.

Or later when you have changed the bomb that went off in miss divas nappy , successfully wrangled said almost three year old into clean clothes while he's yelling at you because the shirt he wanted to wear is in the wash,

You have moved the four year old to the lounge and put on a suitably inappropriate show that you know will have him plastered to the screen while you mop up the wee from the already child mess stained carpets and your daughter is pulling your hair for stability because god forbid she not be immediately in what used to exist as your own personal space.

All of this with a pounding headache temperature and the fact that you haven't slept properly for four months because little miss post op doesn't sleep.

All of this makes you really wonder whether these rosy images are some sort of cruel joke they play on poor unsuspecting ladies whose uterus is crying out for a baby.

I can just hear in my head the ladies without children reading this now 

Having quiet judgement on me 

Oh I'm sure I'll have it together better than that

Pfffft that's bad parenting it's not those darling children's fault.

No, it is.

Children have this inbuilt sense, they know exactly when you are vulnerable and weak , they can smell it on you just like a wild animal can sense fear in it's prey and they use this with deadly precision as their opportunity to strike.

Leaving you with two options 

To start screaming like a raving lunatic (which you later regret ) 

Or to just let them watch the damn TV or drink that damn lemonade JUST SO THEY SHUT UP.

Again though, the double edged sword, 

all of this happened in the space of an hour. 

I sit on the couch feeding miss diva to sleep and she finally succumbs and I pop her into bed.

I have a breather , hiding in my ensuite like an illegal immigrant crossing the Mexican border.

And the world is grey and you wonder how much you are messing your kids up, how much of your parenting is going to warrant hours in a therapists chair to get over, you wonder how much cleaning you can do before your brain explodes because it's a struggle keeping the house looking nice when all three of them just seem to want to make mess to annoy you. You wonder if you can curl up right there on the cold tiles which may perhaps have a splatter of mr fours wee because let's face it , he has shit aim.

I'm doing my best 

I'm doing my best 

I'm doing my best 

They're doing their best 

they're doing their best 

I Just keep chanting this mantra .

I'm doing my best 

They're doing their best.

You walk into the eerily quiet toy room to find both boys studiously creating a train track of epic proportions , you see their eyes light up as if you hadn't yelled at them 

As if the day was fresh again and the excitement to see you were playing with them without the baby sister being needy just washed all the hassles of the morning away.

Their little quirks 

The way they tell you imaginative stories 

Usually filled with superheroes magic a smattering of violence and lots of bums

Just melts you.

The open arms when baby wakes and cuddles into your neck letting you know she's forgiven your hasty behaviour this morning.

These good moments they outweigh the crap.

But there is crap, and I think today we as a modern society with so many links , so many people only showing us the good things we build this huge pedestal that we put every single other mother on , but that's too high for us to see, these daunting heights are un reachable. And they aren't healthy.

Take deep breathes .

Be gentle on yourself 

I'm going to try 

Because these little people they are so worth it 

And by god I love them with every single fibre of my being. 

Much love 

Drowning. Craniofacial surgery.

I'm not even sure how I got to the point that on the 3rd of March we were ringing Ronald McDonald house at westmeade Sydney to make sure we had a room for nic , my mother in law and the boys while I stayed up at the hospital with mollie.

I remember making plans with nic 

I remember agreeing that both of us should be there the first night.

Agreeing that we needed to help make the boys feel as special as we could through this whole ordeal.

I remember feeling immense gratitude that both nics mum and my aunty Bernie could come and help us.

That nics mother would be there the entire time in case either of us needed to be at mollies bedside.

The waiting had dragged and surgery loomed ever closer this intense scary known unknown.

I was already mourning mollies face.

Missing the little grooves I'd fit my lips into and kiss. Missing looking down at her funny little peanut head. I was missing the shape of her eyebrows and how intense her facial expressions looked because of the deformity in her skull.

I knew this surgery was for the best. But right at that point I was was dreading it from the depths of my torn up heart.

We got down to Sydney on the 5th 

Mollies surgery was booked in for the 7th but she had pre op appointments with the anaesthetist and for blood work on the 6th so we went down early so as to make the transition smoother for the boys and for ourselves.

Ronald McDonald house was quiet, warm and welcoming 

The boys were elated to explore the parks and to have people to dote on them and listen closely to their excited stories.

Thursday the 6th of March started early bundling the kids over to the hospital (a short lovely walk ) 

Mollie was a trooper the cough we'd been worried about had no consistency and wasn't producing so the anaesthetist wasn't at all worried. 

Everything was over and done with by early that afternoon. And I can vaguely remember a few hugs 

From nic, from my mother in law , from Leigh (a fellow cranio mum who was there for a check up on her boy and who had been through this before) 

I can remember hugging the boys tightly putting mollie to sleep while whispering to her how sorry I was 

How sorry I couldn't protect her from what was going to happen. Sorry if something I had done had made her head this way, sorry that I couldn't just take it all away. 

But I couldn't cry because I needed to be strong for those boys tucked warm in their bed. For my husband who was just as scared as I and for my little girl who had already just charged her way through so much.

I didn't sleep much. Truth be told I think I smoked an entire packet of ciggarettes. Yes a filthy habit but I think that night I can be forgiven ?

Friday the 7th of March. I didn't feel. I woke up devoid of any feeling . Hugged the boys 

Had coffe as mollie played.

Met Emily whose little boy was having surgery at that moment 

Emily who I will forever have a bond with. I don't think you can go through something like that with somebody and not resurface with some sort of permanent seam binding you.

I had opted to be the one that sat with Mollie as they put her to sleep.

She was wearing a beautiful overall set my beautiful friend Kylie had sent her. I had no feeling as I took her headband off.

I held her so she could see me as they put the mask over her tiny face 

I let her know I'd be right there waiting for her. I let her know my phone would be in my hand waiting for that call. I let her know there were so many people praying for her 

Thinking of her , so many people the world over that were in her corner waiting for her on the other side.

I saw her eyes go and everything went blurry. I couldn't see.

I couldn't speak. I remember an old lady holding me from crumbling on the floor dragging me out into those cold stark corridors 

I remember nic pulling me from her and hugging me so tight I could feel his heart beating.

I have in my 25 years been through some dark times. But that moment will forever be etched into my soul as the worst moment of my life.

5 hours I think

I can't remember 

I can't remember what I did what I ate 

I know I saw the boys. Saw my mother in law 

I remember lighting a smoke as we got the call, throwing it as far as I could as we ran , as fast as we could begging the elevator to hurry.

I remember walking into the recovery room mollie had lots of people round her masks caps robes standing there.

I heard her scream.

This scream is something I struggle to describe.

The drowning feeling came again as I clutched her hand .

There was blood in her bed. There were lines attached everywhere 

She went from restful to screaming and writhing in complete agony within seconds 

Her oxygen levels slipped so often teams came and went came and went stabilising her and helping her breathe.

Nic and I stood there 

I'm not sure how long I don't think it was that long but it felt like eternity.

We held her hands we said her name we told her how utterly proud we were of her 

And I saw her new face 

Blue line going down the middle and I cried. 

She was beautiful but she wasn't my mollie.

But she was my mollie.

My emotions didn't link up. They made no sense.

Writing this 

Has left me in quite a mess. I'm glad I've done it 

But again this will be another to be continued post 

I'll share the rest of her journey as I gather the strength to revisit it tomorrow 

Much love 

Metopic suture synostosis the diagnosis that broke my heart

By the time Mollie was 5 months old Nic, the boys and myself had begun to consider ourselves professionals at this whole ' child with special needs' shenanigans.

We'd built up a thick skin to the pity looks tied to a child in a pavlik the boys knew the hospital inside and out and would look forward to their banana milkshake and chips on our Friday visit to the hospital.

"Going to Mollies heart/hip/special doctor " became an accepted thing in our house.

Nic and I knew DDH (developmental displacia of the hip) and heart defects inside and out 

Hip health has become a passion and we both strive to spread awareness where possible.

It was one of our many routine hip check ups that something completely left field was thrown at us.

Professor Eric ho began looking very closely at Mollies face.

He said he believed her eyes were too close together 

He believed she had some form of cranio syntosis and he was calling his paediatrician friend in to have a look and would we mind waiting on hospital grounds for a while.

I knew cranio meant head. That's all I knew.

I also knew that mollie had a funny triangle shaped head, but it was Mollie and it was perfect. She had no flat spots nothing that I'd read was a worry. 

My baby was fine I kept telling myself.

Michael lonergan the pediatrician came down after about half an hour he's a private doctor but frequents the royal Newcastle centre and the john hunter hospital. He was friendly gentle and kind 

He was straight to the point.

He explained that babies are supposed to have two plates in their forehead enabling the brain to grow the massive amounts it does at the start of a babies life, he explained that mollies didn't have the suture (the gap between the two plates and this was what was causing her triangle head appearance (or trigonocephaly) her brain didn't have any room to grow. 

Such big words 

Such little brain capacity from me to process it

We recieved our referral to see him in a few months time to get our official diagnosis and go from there.

Time passed, mollie was semi cleared from her cardiologist as her atrial septal defects had closed and her ventricular septal defect was closing slightly 

This was great news! No more 6 month cardiologist appointments and echoes 

Only every 12 months! A relief for us and (call me shallow) a relief for the old hip pocket!

It wasn't until our follow up appointment for the pediatrician loomed ever closer that I began to

look into mollies condition.

The word we had been given had escaped my mind whether bad memory or if I'd just blocked it out.

Google proved wonderful at providing me with the name however and it was the diagnosis that shattered our peaceful little world.

Metopic suture synostosis

I hate that word now 

Every time it explain to someone when they ask I prefer to use the word cranio. Broader term but I'm not sure why but it's less scary.

We met with dr Christie at his private rooms in Newcastle 

He said her condition was very severe that he wasn't quite sure he would be able to do it here 

But rather was sending us to Sydney westmeade children's hospital to talk to dr chaseling and the craniofacial clinic.

I was reeling 

My baby my tiny special little baby who had already endured so much.

Surgery was a definate.

I would blog those weeks 

Those appointments but really I can't .

In all honestly those weeks I cannot remember my heart was crushed to breaking point and I struggled to breathe it felt like I was swimming that I barely got my head above the surface to take a breathe before I plunged back under.

I remember being told what the surgery would entail 

They'd cut in a zig zag from ear to ear pull down her face remove the section of her skull from just past the top of her forehead to the top of her eye sockets.

Then they'd cut those pieces flip them around "panel beat" them to remove some of the bone memory and wire them back together slightly bigger than they were supposed to be so that her brain could grow - over correct they called it.

We finally got a date for surgery.

To be continued.

Our third miracle. introducing Miss Mollie Maeve Jarrett

Two weeks before my due date I was anxiously awaiting the birth of our daughter .

Her room was ready,our bags were packed, the boys were organised in regards to care. 

I was still severely morning sick and I was worried I'd have another home birth unassisted.

Mollie had been lying breech

 ( head up in my ribs bum down at my cervix, nice and painful)  

for her entire gestation. Our doctor only two days before had assured me ,despite my protests ,that she was head down and engaged

I'm 38 weeks gone at this point I knew she hadn't turned. I wasn't new to pregnancy, I knew my body and I knew my baby, however, I had no choice but to trust his call against my better judgement. I mean, I still had two weeks left for her to turn anyway right?

Wrong

Oh so wrong.

I dropped Eli at preschool promptly at 930 the 16th of May, Fyn had a rough night the night before with his teeth so I'd popped him down for a nap on the couch at around lunchtime. Everything in the house was so blissfully quiet for a while I considered napping and taking advantage of the peace , but nesting instincts won out in the end and I got down in all fours and scrubbed the grout between the tiles in the dining room.

We have a large open plan kitchen dining area so slowly I managed to do about half before it was time to wake my sleepy head Fyn and head out the door in a rush to pick Eli up before 330.

I made it on time , had a little whine to Miranda one of Eli's teachers whom was pregnant with her first baby at that point and very sympathetic to my third trimester woes.

God I loved a sympathetic ear to my constant whining ..

We got home did the "daddies home," excited squeals routine 

The "Eli take another mouthful of dinner" 

"Fyn stop trying to throw your dinner onto the ceiling"

"Eli keep your pants on when your sitting up for dinner"

" Fyn don't laugh at your brother " 

" both of you can you JUST EAT!!" 

Exasperated dinner routine 

Headed to the bathroom for giggly splashing but slowly winding down bath routine

And finally the bedtime routine and again peace and quiet reigned supreme in the Jarrett madhouse.

Slowly nic and I packed up toys littering almost every flat surface of the house, had a cup of tea together and debriefed from a tired hectic day.

Nic headed to bed as I perused a nappy buy swap sell page that I frequented for some online social interaction.

I was private messaging a friend on Facebook, again having a good old vent over the aches and pains of late pregnancy, when all of a sudden I got a deep pressure down below reminisce of the pressure before I went into labour with Fyn. 

I stood up to go to the toilet, which for myself, 38 weeks pregnant is no mean feat and involves some ninja maneuverability that perhaps resembles a hippo wallowing in mud. 

The moment I was upright my waters broke!

This was all very exciting for me as I'd never had my waters break before labour before and it was all running lovely Hollywood movie textbook style 

Admittedly I face booked my friend to tell her I needed her to come grab the boys before I raised the alarm  with my husband 

IT WAS GO TIME!!!

We learnt our lesson from fyns quick birth and as soon as I got that first ever slight pain we rang the ambulance 

And by the time the ambulance arrived my pains were slightly regular, Sally (my friend mentioned earlier) had arrived and I was at the ready bags in tow!

Nic chose to just settle the boys with Sally and then join me later at john hunter hospital 

Shock horror I know , but I was fine with this, at the back of my mind I knew this baby wasn't coming out so quickly.

Finally reached john hunter, was wheeled into lifts and to the delivery suite had myself checked out, you know that super comfortable lets see how far we can stick our hand up your lady bits process, such joys especially for how extremely irritable I get whilst in labour.

Midwives on duty seemed a little concerned and called the on duty doctor who gave me an ultrasound 

I had a little freak out as I'd bled for the duration of my pregnancy so at this point I was very afraid something was wrong.

It is never a good sign when a doctor is called in my experience.

All of a sudden doctor carlin said " yeah your doctor was wrong , you were right. your baby is breech"

I'd known his but, now that it was a reality I was stumped, lost for words and felt like sobbing in as close to the foetal position as I could manage with my huge bump.

" soooo. What does that mean " I finally squeaked , or maybe nic said it?

He went on to explain that luckily he was the breech specialist that ultrasound estimated my pink little bundle of joy was 7 pounds . dr carlin explained that given she was my third and wasn't overly large that the ball was in my court, that I could chose to have a c section like most breech births are or I'd be prepped for an emergency c section but given a time frame and he'd allow me to labour and birth naturally..

We asked of risks to Mollie or myself and he assured us that in case anything turned pear shape I wouldn't be allowed pain relief and that I'd be prepped in advance ready n case a c section was needed.

Nic and I discussed quietly (and loudly when a wave in contractions hit me) for a while and frankly I was scared to all buggery.

We decided to go natural , I knew my body could do this.

My contractions had slowed but when I did get one my waters gushed

I was jogging on the spot, I was pacing the room.

I just wanted it over and to focus on the tricky part of birthing a breech baby.

This part petrified me, I mean before both of the boys births I'd talked about c sections talked about natural birth and of home birth with ladies that had been there and done that, I knew nothing about birthing breech!!!

Contractions eventually slowed right down 

Nic had a nap on a mattress in the floor 

The midwives were kind enough to give me panadol to help with the raging occasional contraction I did have ... Obviously I let them know " panadol does jack shit when I'm in labour"

They had a giggle explained I wasn't allowed anything stronger and went on their rounds checking up on me every so often.

Pains got worse they checked my dilation and I still had a ways to go , doctor carlin was called and said I had an hour to get into through transition into pushing or the c section will be going ahead.

Right, I thought.

Out you come miss!

I paced the floor I did tiny jumps as much as I could attached to all the monitoring devices 

And finally 

On came the pain ,

Tiny little armies of burning agonising pain flooded my body and I wasn't sure why I'd been more concerned with my recovery and stubbornly chosen natural,

"I'm a fucking dickhead" 

I remember stating 

"I'm going to fucking die"

Oh lord I'm a lady 

 there were at least 7 other people in the room at this point 

ROLL UP ROLL UP COME AND WATCH THE CRANKY SWEARING NAKED WOMAN GIVE BIRTH TO A TINY BUM is what I felt was happening outside my room a line up, and popcorn sales, I mean come in and party, the more the merrier.

Doctor Carlin, unlike my swearing screaming sweaty feral self was so suave calm and clever. Quoting medical journals as I proceeded to push mollies bottom out.

Now the difference and the most difficult part about a breech birth, and what makes it typically more painful than your average birth is that you aren't allowed to follow the urge to push.

The urge to push my dear readers is biologically inbuilt into us 

It courses as strong warrior hormones through our blood streams and demands control of our brain

Needless to say I was struggling to contain it.

There is risk, before the bum blocks the cervix and birth canal , that the cord can skip through and become obstructed which is as bad as it sounds.

Finally he instructed me to push and by god I pushed , I knew how this worked now, I knew the sooner I pushed the sooner this pain would be over

Finally a little bum was poking out, which is entirely strange to see after two natural head down babes, to see nothing but a bottom poking out.

Very quickly but very carefully dr carlin popped out her legs 

Then instructed me to push 

I'm swearing at him as he is efficiently popping out her arms and two huge pushes of the most pain I'd been in shot her head out into the world.

I have a confession 

The first thing I did before holding my precious new tiny bundle was to check her bits to make sure she hadn't gone and tricked us on her gender 

And lo behold the doctors were correct 

In my arms was an absolutely tiny 5 pound 15 (2.69 kilo) 

baby girl 

Who was hollering with all her might and was the most beautiful perfect little girl that I'd ever seen in my entire life . I was smitten! In love! 

And utterly exhausted!

9 hour breech vaginal natural birth on the 17th of May 2013

Gazing into the eyes of a child you have just given birth too, never, ever gets old. If I could bottle that ethereal feeling and just live on it alone for the rest of my earthly days I would.

Welcome Mollie Maeve Jarrett 

The most precious baby girl I've ever seen! 

And how much love is waiting for you!

Let's talk about hips baby !!

A few months ago I guest posted on a lovely friend of mines blog

(Which you should peruse through as it is a delightful blog 

Any who I will cut to the chase and just link you to the entry I did for her .

Since beginning our journey with DDH we've learnt so many things and Mollie herself has overcome hurdles as have all of us as a family unit 

This blog post is the beginning of our DDH journey a follow up one will ensue as our journey was far from over and is to date continuing :) 

Enjoy 

http://babytiley.blogspot.com.au/2013/10/guest-post-lets-talk-about-hips-baby.htmlhttp://babytiley.blogspot.com.au/2013/10/guest-post-lets-talk-about-hips-baby.html

My time has flown !

Hello,
My how cheesy that sounds
And how cliche that I'm going to say it feel like forever since I've last blogged.
But it does, so much has happened in the two years since my last blog post and don't worry dear readers, I've thought about you often !
But here I am and let me reintroduce myself and shortly outline where I'll be taking you on catch up posts :)

I'm Jamee obviously :)
Jamee Jarrett
Mummy
Mrs Jarrett
Was Jamee saunders
Jamee the girl.

I'm 25 and a slightly insane mummy of three beautiful creative brave caring children
Eli 

whom is "almost 4 like Henry " ( his friend from pre school)  my sensitive soul, the question asker. Mummies boy who possibly doesn't stop his chatter from the moment he awakes to the moment he falls asleep

Fyn

whom is 2.5 he's the daredevil you may remember the post on his birth story ? Well the two and a half crazy amazing years since he was born have been much the same he's head first turbulent cheeky self keeps the husband and I on our toes always , every second.

And Mollie

who is now 8 months
Mollie? You ask? Calm your farm birth story is in progress I promise.
Mollie is our fighter our loud demanding cuddly little bundle of PINK

And of course there's nic my husband , he's 28 now although he's convinced he's still 27 so shhhh the secret is just between you and I!


So what am I going to prattle on about?
Hip displacia , nappies ,heart conditions , cranio syntosis  surgeries
And probably mixed in with a healthy dose of Disney cars , dirt , bubbles, farts and knowing Fyn the odd heart attack from me !

Much love :) xox